Long time no humour?

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cockneyrebel
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Re: Long time no humour?

Post by cockneyrebel » 04 Nov 2017, 08:51

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Peter_R
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Re: Long time no humour?

Post by Peter_R » 10 Nov 2017, 00:40

THE CONFESSION

Hi Bob, This is John next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to
you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up
the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t
live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not
around. In fact, probably more than... you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no
excuse I know. The temptation was just too much....I can no longer live with the guilt
and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again.
Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, John

THE ACTIONS

Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor
dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the
sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his
neighbour:-

THE SECOND MESSAGE

Hi Bob, This is John next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last
text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my
Autocorrect changed ‘Wi-Fi’ To ‘Wife’. Technology hey?!?
Hope you saw the funny side of that.
Regards, John

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Peter_R
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Re: Long time no humour?

Post by Peter_R » 10 Nov 2017, 00:43

The setting is the first Irish Mastermind contest broadcast from Dublin.

Quizmaster to contestant: "Tell us your name, and occupation"

Contestant: "Pat Murphy, entrepreneur"

QM: "Here are your questions, starting . . . now! How would you be travelling if you arrived at Shannon Airport from abroad?"

C: "Pass!"

QM: " Which Irish town sounds like something in a wine bottle neck?"

C: "Pass!"

QM: "Which stone is kissed to receive the gift of smooth talking?"

C: "Pass!"

QM: "Which Ocean is to the west of Ireland?"

C: "Pass!"

And it continued in this vein, until a voice at the back of the audience suddenly shouted,
"Good man, Pat! Tell the bastards F**K ALL!"

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RayB
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Re: Long time no humour?

Post by RayB » 10 Nov 2017, 07:15

At the checkout in Waitrose and I had a trolley load of stuff and behind me was a little old lady with a pint of milk , so I said " is that all you got love " ? She said " yes dear " so I said " you better go and find another checkout love I'm gonna be fucking ages with this lot :razz:

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M60NJP
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Re: Long time no humour?

Post by M60NJP » 10 Nov 2017, 07:34

RayB wrote:At the checkout in Waitrose and I had a trolley load of stuff and behind me was a little old lady with a pint of milk , so I said " is that all you got love " ? She said " yes dear " so I said " you better go and find another checkout love I'm gonna be fucking ages with this lot :razz:
This is the humour thread, not the 'What I did last night' thread..........

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chrislux
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Re: Long time no humour?

Post by chrislux » 10 Nov 2017, 12:07

The Missus was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.


Afterwards she said,"Thanks,"and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.


Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,"What was that all about?"



She explained,"The egg timer's broken."
'97 E36 Alpina B8 4.6 Touring (19#27), Individual Tannen Grun

'02 E39 ACS5 3.0d Touring, Individual Velvet Blau - sold

'05 E53 X5 3.0d , Sapphire Schwartz, re-mapped

'07 R56 Mini Cooper S, Astro Schwartz

Freude am Fahren - Sheer Driving Pleasure

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M60NJP
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Re: Long time no humour?

Post by M60NJP » 11 Nov 2017, 07:53

Have you ever noticed how a lot of F1 drivers share their names with Scottish places?
Stirling Moss, Eddie Irvine, Johnny Dumfries, Lewis Hamilton, Ayr Town Centre.

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cockneyrebel
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Re: Long time no humour?

Post by cockneyrebel » 22 Nov 2017, 10:01

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very" HIGH " hopes of a good Xmas this year :crazy: :d
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M60NJP
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Re: Long time no humour?

Post by M60NJP » 22 Nov 2017, 10:24

cockneyrebel wrote:
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very" HIGH " hopes of a good Xmas this year :crazy: :d
Hope you have a spliffing good time!

You're on a roll (up) now..........

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cockneyrebel
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Re: Long time no humour?

Post by cockneyrebel » 26 Nov 2017, 14:03

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Tee Hee
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