Long time no humour?

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M60NJP
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Long time no humour?

Post by M60NJP » 30 Oct 2016, 11:14

For starters
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M60NJP
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Re: Long time no humour?

Post by M60NJP » 30 Oct 2016, 11:15

Oh, alright then, I know you've missed these....

Would it be wrong to hold an OCD meeting at my house just for the sole purpose of getting someone else to clean it for me?"

When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject, these days if you mention botox no one raises an eyebrow.

Sat next to a fruit machine addict at a gamblers anonymous meeting last night, It was fucking awful. He kept nudging me!

I went by the house where I grew up in yesterday and asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

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Re: Long time no humour?

Post by RayB » 30 Oct 2016, 12:06

M60NJP wrote:Oh, alright then, I know you've missed these....
hole in the head springs to mind :d

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Re: Long time no humour?

Post by cockneyrebel » 30 Oct 2016, 17:24

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We want a word about your "Alleged" humour Mr.
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Re: Long time no humour?

Post by M60NJP » 03 Nov 2016, 11:40

I'm on a roll, these are 'adult' jokes....you have been warned!

I met this girl and she told me "I want sex really badly."
Which is really lucky for her because that's just the way I do it...

I remember my first day in Prison,
My cellmate said to me,
"If you ever come close to me, I will fuckin skin you,
When we're sleeping, you don't fuckin touch me,
Do you hear me ?
And don't ever talk to me either"
"Fucking Great" i thought,
"My first day in here and im already fuckin married".

On Saturday my friend underwent a painful procedure that required him to have his spine and both testicles removed.
Still, he got some great wedding presents though

A man knocked on my door this morning,and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool...I gave him a glass of water

"The Car won't Start," said a Wife to her Husband. "I think there's Water in the Carburettor."
"How Do You Know" ..?? said the Husband scornfully. "You don't even know what a Carburettor is"..???
"I'm Telling You," repeated the Wife, "I'm sure there's Water in the Carburettor."
"We'll See," says he.
"Let me check it out. Where's the fucking Car now"..??? mocked the Husband.
"In Our Swimming Pool." was her reply

After several attempts.
I've finally had Sex with my Girlfriend while on the back of a Motorcycle.
*
It was a Triumph

Tottenham have just turned down a £27 million pound ChampionsLEague sponsorship deal from a leading dog food brand, a club spokesman has said having WINALOT wrote across their shirts is just taking the piss

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Re: Long time no humour?

Post by cockneyrebel » 03 Nov 2016, 11:56

Woohooo you finally cracked a funny :thumbup: ( nearly)
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Re: Long time no humour?

Post by Lewy » 03 Nov 2016, 21:54

The OP was great... that should be your flagship joke

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Re: Long time no humour?

Post by M60NJP » 09 Nov 2016, 14:29

On a roll now, so here's a car joke: (The cars tell you how old it is!)

Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint.

Blonde Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."

The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence....!"



"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno

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Re: Long time no humour?

Post by M60NJP » 15 Nov 2016, 18:41

At the barbers yesterday, I asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise, so he gave me a cushion to sit on.

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.
I almost choked on my #Brown.

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Re: Long time no humour?

Post by cockneyrebel » 15 Nov 2016, 18:48

M60NJP wrote:At the barbers yesterday, I asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise, so he gave me a cushion to sit on.

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.
I almost choked on my #Brown.

Perleeeaaaase !! #-o
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