Long time no humour?

Re: Long time no humour?

Postby Maxwell » 03 Jun 2017, 12:19

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex viz you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge 200 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am German & a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is
paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'
'Ah,' says the German . 'zat is ze....
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Four-sprung Duck technique
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Re: Long time no humour?

Postby cockneyrebel » 03 Jun 2017, 12:49

=)) =))
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Re: Long time no humour?

Postby M60NJP » 13 Jun 2017, 17:19

A bloke I know had a terrible accident at work, he fell into an industrial grinder...

He's fine now.
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Re: Long time no humour?

Postby M60NJP » 15 Jun 2017, 09:00

I'm on a roll today:

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line. It's a good all around
combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts..
At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way
the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44.. How did you get $58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50

*******************************

I just rang the hospital to ask about my friend who has had an operation for his premature ejaculation. They said it's still touch and go.

********************************

I’ve just been told that I’m both gay and dyslexic but I refuse to believe it. In fact, I’m still in daniel.
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Re: Long time no humour?

Postby M60NJP » 17 Jun 2017, 09:27

Three balloons. Daddy balloon, mummy balloon and baby balloon.
Daddy balloon tells baby balloon, look son, you are much to old to sleep with mummy and daddy, you will have to sleep in your own bed. Baby balloon protests, I like sleeping with you and mummy. No you are not sleeping with us and that's final. Ok says baby balloon sadly.
Two in the morning baby ballon wakes up and decides to climb into bed with mummy and daddy. He finds there is no room, so he unties his dad's knot and lets out some air, and ties him up again. Still no room, so he unties his mummy's knot and also lets some air out and ties her up again. he still can't get in, so he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and ties himself up again, he finally has room, and snuggles down with mummy and daddy.
The next day they all wake, and daddy balloon is really angry. He says son................


...

...



...

I am really disapointed with you, I said you can't sleep with us. you've let me down, your mummy down, and your self down.
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Re: Long time no humour?

Postby cockneyrebel » 17 Jun 2017, 11:36

M60NJP wrote:Three balloons. Daddy balloon, mummy balloon and baby balloon.
Daddy balloon tells baby balloon, look son, you are much to old to sleep with mummy and daddy, you will have to sleep in your own bed. Baby balloon protests, I like sleeping with you and mummy. No you are not sleeping with us and that's final. Ok says baby balloon sadly.
Two in the morning baby ballon wakes up and decides to climb into bed with mummy and daddy. He finds there is no room, so he unties his dad's knot and lets out some air, and ties him up again. Still no room, so he unties his mummy's knot and also lets some air out and ties her up again. he still can't get in, so he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and ties himself up again, he finally has room, and snuggles down with mummy and daddy.
The next day they all wake, and daddy balloon is really angry. He says son................


...

...



...

I am really disapointed with you, I said you can't sleep with us. you've let me down, your mummy down, and your self down.

:(( And there it is... A new low.. :lol:
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Re: Long time no humour?

Postby M60NJP » 03 Jul 2017, 08:34

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.
In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.
In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can get two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.


Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
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Re: Long time no humour?

Postby cockneyrebel » 03 Jul 2017, 10:09

Now there's a first.. The current Mrs Rebel chuckled at one of your funnies. :shock:
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Re: Long time no humour?

Postby M60NJP » 12 Jul 2017, 07:27

NOT SAFE FOR WORK THIS WEEK!!....or those of a sensitive disposition:

The wife was trying to be sexy last night, laid on the bed sliding her lollipop in and out of her fnny and then licking it.
"Steady love", I said, "you'll need that in the morning to see the kids across the road".

*****************

Cockneyrebel was sitting in Costa Coffee. He was wearing a neat blazer with his medals clipped to the pocket having just been to the funeral of an old comrade. As he sipped his coffee a young athletic woman sat down opposite him. He nodded to her and she in turn smiled back at him.

The young woman then asked the man “Are you a real soldier?”

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life in the forces before retiring. I then became an instructor and I have taught more than 500 people to parade I guess that makes me soldier, and you, what are you?”

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later after the young woman had left a young man sat down at the same table with the ex-soldier. He also asked "Are you a real soldier?"

The old man replied "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian
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Re: Long time no humour?

Postby cockneyrebel » 12 Jul 2017, 08:12

M60NJP wrote:NOT SAFE FOR WORK THIS WEEK!!....or those of a sensitive disposition:

The wife was trying to be sexy last night, laid on the bed sliding her lollipop in and out of her fnny and then licking it.
"Steady love", I said, "you'll need that in the morning to see the kids across the road".

*****************

Cockneyrebel was sitting in Costa Coffee. He was wearing a neat blazer with his medals clipped to the pocket having just been to the funeral of an old comrade. As he sipped his coffee a young athletic woman sat down opposite him. He nodded to her and she in turn smiled back at him.

The young woman then asked the man “Are you a real soldier?”

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life in the forces before retiring. I then became an instructor and I have taught more than 500 people to parade I guess that makes me soldier, and you, what are you?”

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later after the young woman had left a young man sat down at the same table with the ex-soldier. He also asked "Are you a real soldier?"

The old man replied "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian


Hence.... Major Growler. :lol:
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